Too many topics

I have too many things going on in my head right now to hone in on one thing....so...

G - After my ramblings yesterday of his obsessive organization, I realized it's a major distraction for him right now. Not that he's not obsessive on a regular basis, he is, but I think now because of his situation, it's intensified. We had a very disappointing day yesterday with bad news from our accountant and G did not get the scheduled 2nd phone interview. All day he was down. I know he tried to hide it from us but I could see the disappointment. Thankfully I pushed and pushed for him to follow up on the call to see what happened and so far there was a scheduling mix-up so the call is still on but we don't know when yet. Anyway, my whole point of this is that G began cleaning last night (at 9:00 at night). He recleaned the kitchen, did the floors and vacuumed. I asked him to stop because I felt so guilty watching and not cleaning and he responded, "It's ok. I feel guilty not having a job." And then I knew...it's time to give up my hold on the dining room.

Luck - our luck, specifically - this is something I don't get. There has been so many opportunities that have presented themselves to us that would have made a very positive change for us but for whatever reason luck is not on our side. Examples - 1) the restaurant. It's still not rented. We still have equipment in there that have leases that we are personal guarantors for. The vendors told me they don't want the equipment back they'll just wait for the new tenants and offer the equipment to them. That's great! That will pay that off and I won't have to worry about that. But no, it's now April and there are no tenants. The vendors are angry, are taking out their equipment and now looking for payment. 2) Jobs, job, jobs, jobs. This last interview is the perfect example. If G passed the 2nd interview, we would have had an answer by Friday and hopefully working by Monday. Not the case here. Now we have to wait...again. 3) Our taxes. They will NOT be filed today, they will be extended. This was my only bargaining chip for my mortgage company. This could have been fixed everything. I could have paid my back mortgage, some taxes and hopefully had enough to file bankruptcy. But no....no luck here. That's just not the way things go for us these days. Another challenge to yet get over. God must think I'm Hercules. Does God really want me to move out? Why? Seriously, why? We're already feeling completely defeated and unconfident, moving into my parents house will only make us feel worse. I just don't get it.

Seena - on top of all of this, I feel the worse about Seena. She's 4 and should be in pre-school 5 days a week. She only goes 2 days because that is all we can afford, plus G needs those days to set up interviews and job hunt. I feel that I'm depriving her of so much. She's not enrolled in any other program or activity because we can't afford it, so she's just home all of the time. This weather is not helping either. I found a gymnastic class that was only $37 for 5 sessions. I was excited because I could afford that. But by the time I got the money and called to sign her up, it was full. Just my luck. Anyway, I know she senses the tension in the house, even as much as we try to hide, I know she feels it. Just last week, she asked if daddy found a job yet. I told her no, and she said "He should get a job with computers. He's good with computers." If only it was that easy. Anyway, I know that kids develop at different paces but it hurts when I see that younger kids can say their ABC's, can recognize the letters and so on. It makes me feel even worse, guilty of being a bad mommy. Seena can write them and can guess a few of them but I'm noticing that some of her letters are backwards and upside down. Is this normal? Is this a sign of dyslexia? I'm trying to make major efforts to turn the TV off during most of the afternoon and have constructive playtime and practicing her letter writing. We have our good days but then there are days like today, when there are no creative juices flowing and all I want to do is cuddle on the couch with her and watch TV, too.