Monday, October 27, 2008

Saving the it my way of saving myself?

First off I have to say, I'm not a writer. If anything I'm a rambler and can go on and on. I really don't know why I'm doing this but I know I need something. Something to make me feel good. I sit here knowing that I will probably be losing my family owned business by either us shutting down or by a corporate take over. This will then probably lead me to losing my house unless I can find someone to rent it. Next will come the tax liens - and God only knows what that will bring. I'm too scared to even think about that. The part that hurts the most is that our restaurant is doing well, especially in this economy. Long story short, remember I ramble, my family opened a restaurant that was meant to be a family friendly sports bar but it turned out to be the local night club. It was a nightmare but we got a chance to change it into a "new" restaurant. We closed the first restaurant and reopened a few weeks later as a totally different place. It's been remarkable, and if it wasn't for all of the debt we carried over, we would be doing very well. It hurts. It really sucks AND it really hurts. I think I'm officially depressed but I know I can't be. I have a family to support and I'm going to have to help heal my husband's ego and heart if this restaurant fails. I don't know what's going to happen and I'm scared beyond belief but I need something to make ME feel good. Yes, I have my kids and my family; they provide the unconditional love that keeps me grounded but I can't let go of this feeling that I NEED to DO SOMETHING to make a difference. I feel so crappy and awful inside by what is happening so I need to find something to make this blah in my life go away. I need to be re-energized somehow. I've been thinking and thinking and it's been hard. I don't have any money to give to any charities, I don't have any special skills that I can offer, my time is very limited because of my kids, and right now I'm not a very fun person to be around so I don't want to volunteer anywhere. I wouldn't want to talk to myself so why subject others to my blahness? I'm not walking around having a pity party about myself but I'm definitely not jumping up to strike a conversation with anyone either. So what do I do? What can I do? What do I care about? I like animals but I did the fostering thing and that was fine before I had kids. I love to garden but it's getting cold now and gardening costs money - which I don't have. That's out. I love nature, natural things and I'm super eco-friendly....yes, mabye there's something. I love how we are changing the mindset of everyone to "Go Green" and this whole movement to really look for ways to save the earth. That's huge to me. Unfortunately, I'm the sole earth saver in my home. My husband thinks I'm taking it too far, my 13 year old is oblivious, my 4 year old saves the earth if I remind her and my 9 month old is just that, 9 months old. I love to read articles about doing things the natural way, organic gardening, living off the land, growing your own herbs, food, etc. I would love it even more if I practiced it but as I said before, I don't have any special skills/time to make my own herbal concoctions or to really get into living off the land. I hope to get there one day. So, again I come back to what CAN I do? Just last week, I saw an article in the Real Simple Magazine, Recyle A to Z. It listed all kinds of stuff that you can recycle. For a few minutes I was in oblivious heaven reading this information. And then it clicked. That's it. I HATE TRASH. I hate trash. I hate throwing things away. I start to think of all of the trash that is out there, just sitting there, and it's awful. That's depressing. Remember, I said my husband thinks I'm taking it too far. I try to recylcle, reuse or give away everything I can so that I don't have to throw away a lot. This, I know I'm passionate about, and just maybe, so are others. So, I started looking up things on the internet that I could donate or recyle and I started thinking, wouldn't it be nice if there was one place where I could look to find it all? And if I didn't know, maybe others could share their tips too....aha! So, here I am. Hoping to make a difference, in my small way to help the earth by spreading the knowledge that I've collected and just maybe, it will help save me too.