Thursday, March 11, 2010

Don't Understand

I don't understand how a child that I love with all of my being can infuse me with such rage that I feel like my head is going to explode. I've NEVER known anger this way. Between the not listening, the warnings for punishments, the choices, the actual punishment and the subsequent whining, crying, screaming, crying and whining after the punishment I lose it. I honestly feel as if an angry beast is inside of me and all I want to do is scream. I know I must look like one when I've finally had it and I'm inches from Seena's face scolding her with my high pitched voice and telling her that I'm done, done, done, DONE and that I don't want anything to do with her for the rest of the night.

I don't understand.

How can I say and feel those things for something that is the most precious thing to me? Where does this anger come from? No one, not even my husband, has ever made me as mad as Seena does.

Is it the age? Is it normal?

I can see how people become abusive, when I get that angry that's all I want to do. I want to beat her, I want to beat my child. What is wrong with me?

I don't understand.

Before I went to Confession months ago, I contemplated whether I really needed to go. I wasn't a sinner. I didn't do bad things. I've never committed adultry and I certainly have never killed anyone, why did I need to go? Well, I learned that in fact I have committed all 10 mortal sins, even killing. I've killed in anger. I've killed my daughter's spirit with my anger. I may not resort to beating her but I certainly hurt her with my anger and my words.

What kind of mother am I?

I don't understand.

I don't understand how I can be engulfed with rage wanting to hurt my child one minute and then weeping over the pain I just caused the next.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

6 comments:

Rebecca said...

Powerful post, Mama. As my kids are younger than Seena, I can only say that I imagine a lot of Moms feel like this at one point or another. The difference is that you're recognizing it, acknowledging it, and saying that you'd like to change. You're doing all of that before it's too late. Take a step back...do some research...reach out like this. Other Moms can help you with their experiences and techniques.

Hang in there. Frustration doesn't make you a bad Mom...not trying to be better makes you a bad Mom. You want to be better...you want it to be different...you can get what you want.

Sunny said...

Since I am not a mother, I can't comment to say I know how you feel. You broke my heart when you said you've killed her spirit. You haven't killed her spirit, Juno, you just got really pissed off. I know I've had some doozy fights with my mom when I was growing up and now I feel really guilty for provoking her as much as I did. I understand Seena is too young to know she is unintentionally provoking you, but I think this is the mother/daughter dynamic sometimes. You are a great mother, actually. You love your daughter, and take her out in the world to experience so many things. I've always admired how you will be so dedicated as to take your kids out for an entire day of hiking, exploring or discovering things and adventures like nature trails, botanical gardens or cold picnics outside the library! Don't let this get you down. I'm all for working on your anger, but while you do that, don't beat yourself up too bad.
Hugs.

Stepping On Cheerios said...

It's the fact that you care and love her so much that you unfortunately feel the rage and the anger that comes with this age group. Sometimes it's the same with Puck. I know he knows the rules, I know he knows better! It is frustrating....

I just got the book 1-2-3 Magic. It's about how to dicipline WITHOUT emotion. Which is exactly what I need. Maybe it would work for you too.

I had a professional tell me my younger was manipulating me and to use the techniques in this book! Give it a shot:)

You are NOT alone:)

Danifred said...

You are definitely not alone and I can totally understand where you are coming from. I see this same pattern developing between Tot and I... so maybe, yes, it is a mother-daughter thing? I also think that Tot is very much like me and we struggle to connect sometimes. I TOTALLY get what you are saying. Totally.

Fishsticks and Fireflies said...

Oh, Momma! You literally took the words right out of my mouth. I often find myself in the exact same situation with Cooper, and then struggle with the exact same feelings. I think a huge part of it is the age that they are at and them struggling for independence and autonomy (not that that makes it any easier to bear.)

I am a big fan of 1-2-3 Magic as well, and am finding that the closer than he gets to 5, the more Cooper seems to really 'get' it and the more I am starting to like him again.

(And I know this is going to sound really crunchy and weird, but watching Cooper's diet has been a big help for us. He is extremely sensitive to red dye, the results of eating it being impulsivity, hyperactivity, etc. . . . all of the behaviors that drive me up the freakin' wall. That is not to say that we still don't butt heads A LOT - the occasions just seem to be spaced out a bit more.)

You are not alone!

Gerry, Cara, Maria & Naomi G. said...

This post describes exactly how I feel with Maria, my 2 1/2 year old.

You are not alone!