I have to pre-empt this entry by saying this will be a long entry. A very long entry. My original intent of this blog is not what it's turned out to be. I have a lot of emotions and thoughts that are jumbled and jammed in my head that need an out...plus I ramble. Sorry.
Well, it happened. Our restaurant closed. It's taken me this long to come to some term...still haven't figured what that term is yet but I had some sense of peace for awhile. My phone stopped ringing, I didn't have to worry about which bills cleared the bank, which ones didn't, was there money to buy food or pay our employees? The peace was short lived because ultimately there is a HUGE bill to pay. I thought I was depressed before but that really didn't compare to the hollowness I have been feeling these last few months. I'm devastated. I'm scared to death. I'm lost. I'm completely guilt ridden for what this has done to my parents and family. I'm 100% depressed. I hate what it's done to me and I hate what I've become. I hate that I'm having this constant pity party for myself in my head (and here now) but I can't express these feelings to anyone. My husband already feels horrible and feels he bears the weight of all of this so I can't bear to make him feel worse by my thoughts. I'm too guilt ridden to say anything to my parents. I've had my moments were I've broken down crying, apologizing profusely to them but that only ends up making them feel bad. And as a parent, I understand that...it's painful to see your children in such pain and being helpless to help them. My sister (the cheerleader) has been great but she's going through her own issues and I don't want to keep reminding of her of what she already knows. My friends have been supportive but they don't understand the magnitude of what I'm dealing with and I like I said, I've been a mess and I'm depressed. All I have had are negative thoughts and pity parties, I can't subject them to that. I know what I've been like and I wouldn't want to be around me, I can't do that to them.
So, I've been hiding, keeping to myself. Which I know is probably the worst thing I can do but it's like a death, I guess. I needed time to grieve. As I'm slowly coming out of this depressed smog I beginning to really question why? Why has this happened? Why am I (we) going through this? I'm Catholic so there must be some lesson God wants me (us) to learn from this but really? Why this bad? I know He doesn't give you more than what you can bear but really? Seriously, really? My life sucks. Well, financially it sucks. The other parts are good - my kids, my husband, my friends and my family. Trust me, I'm thankful and I KNOW I'm lucky for what I DO have. I have my health, my kids and family are healthy, I have a job and for now, a home (more on that in a later entry). But when I say financially my life sucks...my life sucks! G (my husband) is still unemployed and we've reached the end of our survival money. I just received the Intent to Accelerate notice for my home mortgage so I could potentially be out of home in a month, just last week I searched my entire house for a measly $2.30 to give to my 14 year old (no nickname yet) for her school lunch. Forget living paycheck to paycheck, we live day to day. By God's miracle I've been able to keep my kids fed and my utilities on. One positive thing, I guess, I've lost weight. So, I come back to my question, why? When I say things are bad...they are bad. I owe an obscene amount of money due to personal guarantees on bank loans, equipment leases, taxes and credit cards. My phone has started ringing again and the nasty letters have started showing up in my mailbox. Yes, I can file for bankruptcy and I intend to but I can't even afford that right now. So, I have to wait. And it's unbearable. I live in fear everyday of getting bad news...I pray for good news but I lie in wait of bad news. I know it's coming and I'm trying to find a way to stop it. I've talked to lawyers and I've pushed my "free advice/consultations" to the limit. I'm following their advice but I fear that my "grace period" is up now and I have to act. My husband tells me I need to stay positive and that everything will work out. It's funny. That used to be me. I was the eternal optimist. Now, I don't even know what that means. How do I stay positive when I know what is looming just over my head and ready to fall? Back to my question, why? What in heaven's made Him think that I could bear all of this? Again, why? WHY? WHY? WHY?
Just Maybe, the beginnings of an Answer?
As the question of Why continually perpetuates in my head, I think a message or even an answer is starting to appear amid the smog. (I think I may have found G's answer too but that's a whole other entry.) Naturally, I've asked this question to the Cheerleader and she mentioned something about our family always wanting more and never really being truly satisfied with what we had. At first, I kind of shrugged this off because quite honestly, I did not believe it. I didn't think this was me at all or my family. Sure, I've dreamed and wished for "better" than what I had, riches, glory, fame...who doesn't, right? But things became a little clearer last week when I saw a Christian talk show. A viewer posed a similar question of a "Why" in their life. Of course, there is no "exact" answer to such questions of life but there's a lesson to be learned nonetheless, good or bad. The host responded with the answer/lesson of patience. The only way to learn patience is to go through some sort of trial. Again, at first, I didn't think this was me. I'm patient. I have to be. I'm a mom and I'm married to G (don't worry I love him very much). I've set aside my wants, made my sacrifices for the good of whatever the time called for. But looking back-it may not have been as self-righteousness as I thought it was. I felt resentment and even jealousy for having to make these sacrifices. I dwelled in it, internally of course, now that I think about it. I wasn't patient - I was anxiously waiting for when it would be MY turn. I wasn't happy with what I had, I wanted more. And the more I thought about the last few years, it's been the same. The Cheerleader was right! Now, I know there's nothing wrong with wanting more in terms of ambition but this is definitely more than that. To give a few examples of recent events, my waiting for news, good or bad and my recent TV wins are two good ones, I think. The TV one is easy. I won two TV things, a makeover and a cruise. Both were incredible experiences. The cruise was a miracle, quite frankly. To be able to take my family and kids on a cruise and the many excursions we went on during our most darkest time truly is a miracle, a blessing from God. And don't get me wrong, I'm thankful, truly thankful. But I'm not going to lie either and say that I wasn't thinking of "the more". Now I wanted my own TV show. Maybe they'll think we are so great and want to film us more. Uh, what makes me think I'm the next Gosselin family.....my head. My "not satisfied with what I have and wanting more" head. And for the news. Well, I think that's easy too. I've been obsessed with checking my phone and e-mail for news, mainly good news but either way I'm distracted with the waiting. I even posted this on FB last week. But the waiting has distracted me from what is right in front of me. My kids. My husband. My life. Again, it's not truly appreciating what I have. So, I'm going to try to stop this. I've let this situational depression go on for too long and I've let too much time pass me by. Yes, my financial situation sucks, really sucks but I have today, I have my kids, G, family and other necessities. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I can't even guarantee I will have a tomorrow. I'm going to try my best to jump back on G's positive bandwagon. And hopefully, things will work themselves out as G believes they will and hopefully, I'll find my old self again.
BTW...G had an interview today and he thinks it went well! Fingers are crossed. We're going to the park now with the kids.
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