Sleepless in Bristow

This whole week I've been going to bed very late. By very late, I mean after midnight late. Mainly it's been because I've been trying to get all of the paperwork completed and information gathered correctly for the bankruptcy filing. It's alot. Online credit counseling sessions, copies of everything and plus I had to open all of the many uneopened envelopes of bills that I have collecting for this very purpose. The workbook that I was provided to complete is a bit antiquated. I mean, seriously, the pages were crooked and needed to be filled out by hand. What? And the last SEVERAL pages were for listing all of your debt, um...no thanks. This would be a perfect opportunity to put the required information into an excel spreadsheet (which of course my friends know that I love excel..yes, I am a nerd). So, I did get a little excel "high" doing that. Anyway, this is off subject ... because I was staying up late all week I decided to take the night "off" from bankruptcy and go to bed early. Early was 10pm because the kids and I stayed out late walking around trying to find puddles to jump in and then we watched a movie. So, instead of a decent long luxurious night's sleep this is what happened....

• 10:00pm - start getting Seena ready for bed, brush teeth, tuck her in and say goodnight 100 times. Let dog out. Straighten up any messes - didn't want G to trip over anything when he gets home.
• 10:15pm - get ready for bed. Check myself in mirror, get disgusted and decide a diet/exercise is needed immediately.
• 10:20pm - in bed and get sucked into watching a realty show based on husband-wife team event planners putting together high-end weddings. So much for going to bed early.
• 11:00pm - begin to doze off during Chelsea Lately. G calls.
• 11:30pm - asleep
• 12:00am - G calls
• 1:30am - AJ wakes up. Go into room, lay him back down and then I lay on his floor.
• 2:00am - turn off Seena's light and return to bed.
• 3:30am - AJ wakes up again. Go back into room and we both lay on his floor to try to sleep. Seena turns on her light, which lights up AJ's room. AJ tosses and turns.
• 4:00am - give up and go downstairs. Give AJ milk and settle down on couch to sleep with him. More tossing and turning.
• 4:15am - give up on couch and lay comforter on floor to sleep there. More tossing and turning.
• 5:00am - finally asleep.
• 6:00am - Seena comes down (I presume she has wet her bed and is up). She wants milk and tv. In my sleep deprived haze I tell her it's too early and she needs to lay down with us and go back to sleep. Tantrum and arguing starts. Try to explain mommy is VERY tired and needs to sleep. Decide not worth it and turn TV on.
• 6:10am - 7:47am - try to sleep in between Seena's relentless asking for one thing or another. I must have gotten some sleep because I remember having 1 or 2 dreams.
• 7:47am - AJ wakes up and playing next to and on top of mommy starts. AJ head butts me...I'm still trying to sleep.
• 8:07am - give up and finally get up when I hear the pantry door open and the bag of cookies being dragged out.

As I'm walking around getting the morning started, Seena asks "Mommy, why are u up? I thought you were tired? I can watch AJ for you." This is coming from the girl who was fighting me all morning for milk and then encouraging the playing next to and on top of mommy. I love my kids.

No Breaks in Parenting

It really is true when they say "you always have to stay on top of your kids". There are no breaks. I get it for the little ones but I thought it would be a little easier as they got older. This is definitely not the case. I guess I should have known better since I wasn't exactly a saint in my tween to teen years but still, I remember always caring about school and my grades. No matter what mess I was in or with which crowd I was hanging with, my grades were always important to me. I can't seem to get this through to Teen. She moved in with us when she was 12-6th grade. I was happy about this because I honestly felt that we could provide her with a better life and better education here in our part of the woods. Plus I know she was miserable living with her mom and her then stepfather. Soon after she moved in I noticed pretty quickly her lack of interest or better yet, her lack of wanting to take ownership of her schoolwork. It was so frustrating. And for me, it was worse because this was something I just plainly did not understand. How can you NOT care about your schoolwork? And to add to that, I didn't raise her so I had no idea how important school was made to be for her by her mom. I knew she was homeschooled for the two years prior to moving in with us so I had preconceived notions as to how seriously school was taken prior to her moving in but I can't say for sure. Anyway, 6th grade was tough. I was diligent about her schooling. I checked her grades, HW and schoolwork daily. She had her teachers sign her agenda daily. I had several conferences with her teachers, I paid several thousand dollars for tutoring (that I'm still paying for), got her glasses because she couldn't see the board, and finally when all of that didn't help, I took her in for ADD/ADHD testing. She was diagnosed with ADHD and has been on medication since. This helped to get her to focus in school but it still hasn't fixed the overall problem. We made it through 6th grade but mentally I couldn't do it again. In addition to her school issues, we had a TON of behavior problems. I couldn't take it anymore and I told her mom that she couldn't live with us any longer. Over the summer, Teen realized she liked it better with us and promised to make some big changes in order to move back in. She even signed a contract! And this worked for awhile. I told her the first D or F she brought home she was moving back with her mom. Now, I know this sounds harsh but the D's and F's she was getting was not because she couldn't do the work, she just didn't DO the work. I understand that not everyone tests well, but she doesn't even study. Anyway, when she got her first D she actually cried because she didn't want to move back. I wasn't going to force her to go as I knew the living conditions at her mom's were not productive by any means plus my heartstrings were pulled. I thought maybe she finally cared. So, I let up. I wanted to give her some independence, as I've read that this is important as kids get older...give them a chance to be responsible. I didn't nag her about her grades daily, I didn't check her stuff daily and it worked for awhile. She did ok. Plus, guilty on my part, this was the year that things were going downhill with the restaurant at breaking speed and I was going through a complicated pregnancy. My focus was not on her. I know this is bad but I just needed something to function on its own without my daily involvement. I remember having discussions with her about it and she understood as best as she could. It was rough year for all of us but we got through it. And now we are into 8th grade and it's like we've gone backwards. The behavior problems are not there so much anymore, although she still sneaks off with my stuff every once in awhile. She's a good kid. I'm thankful I'm not dealing with drugs or criminal activity, our behavior issues are what I think are typical tween/teen issues....respect, know-it-alls, too cool, don't care, "whatever" attitude, etc. Our problems are still school. She's back to D's and F's and the whatever attitude. She's not doing her work and she's not studying for her tests. We've already received a letter that she might have to retake 8th grade and that didn't seem to bother her..well, she gave us the "I don't care" attitude. I blame myself for not staying on top of the daily schoolwork and agenda checking as I did in 6th grade but I thought we had moved on from that. I wanted her to learn to organize and take pride in her schoolwork. And yes, I will admit, selfishly I didn't want to go through the hassle (and it is) to go online daily to check to see what HW or tests she has for every class and then check her agenda to make sure she wrote it down or did it. I just want her to take responsibility of her one major responsibility- school. This is the only thing that is important in her life right now. She doesn't have a job or a ton of activities that she has to juggle with, it's just school. And if she can't get it together now, what is it going to be like in High School? I've told her it's harder but she just shrugs it off. We just got into an argument over it again this morning. So, as a parent, you have to question if you are doing something wrong. So, maybe it is me and my fault for not diligently nagging her daily about school. I want to say it's pointless now, since it's nearly June, but as they say and as I have learned....there are no breaks in parenting.

The River House (aka beach house)

I did what I set out to do. I had a great time this past weekend. It's really kind of hard not to, well, at least for me. Some may find it boring without any TV or Internet but the whole purpose of going down there is to relax, eat (and I mean eat) and look at the view. This is all that we do really. The days are spent laying around the beach watching the kids play in the water and the nights are spent either by the bonfire or watching a movie. There usually is a day that we spend working and cleaning...it is an old house with a large yard so maintenance is required. But it's interesting how the work gets divided. The cheerleader, whom I think I will just name Vee from now on, either cleans, organizes or cooks with my mom inside. My dad, my brother and I are usually outside. I gravitate to the "garden" chores while my brother usually gets suckered into some crazy project of my dad's. This weekend it was helping him build a Tiki Bar. I don't know...I don't ask. I suckered my brother into helping me build an arbor out of bamboo. We only got half way before AJ got bored of watching us. Hopefully, we'll be able to finish next time we get down there or else we'll just have two random bamboo poles in the yard with a moon flower vine growing up it. Really...this could very well happen...anything goes down there. 

Since it was a long weekend, we planned themed activities for the kids. Vee is very creative and is excellent at coming up with ideas. Much of her inspiration comes from foods that might be associated to the theme and that's totally fine with me! I always come back several pounds heavier than before I left.

Saturday was Pirate Day. Activities for the kids were treasure hunting, making messages in the bottle and going for a ride in our ship to explore new land. Food --- for the adults it was ceviche and the kids had Octopasta. It was very fun and very yummy.

Sunday was suppose to be Mama Mia Day. We were going to play restaurant and make pizzas. The kids were having too much fun playing with their new summer friend, Rachel, so we let them do their own thing for the day. The adults got to do stuff around the house and the yard.

It really was a fun weekend. Without the TV and Internet to distract you, it's almost like an escape, a retreat from the world. And even if we hadn't planned any activities, we would all be content just being there. The kids play with each other and the adults just relax. Even with the tons of bugs, the heat, the constant feeling of dehydration, the 20 minute drive to the closest grocery store, the view and the peacefulness is totally worth it. 

The hours between 3-7pm are my favorite. The tide comes in, most of the time a nice breeze comes in and the colors of the water are nothing less than spectacular. This is the time when all of the work is done around the house, dinner is outside or we're sitting around in lounging chairs with a cup of coffee just looking at the water. 

Clean Slate?

So, today's the big day. I'm going in to file bankruptcy. It's funny, if this were to have happened to me 5-6 years ago, I would have been mortified, humiliated, embarrassed beyond belief. But now, I can't file fast enough. And even though I'm not exactly screaming this out loud for the entire world to know, I'm not hiding. It is what it is. As my priest told me a long time ago, "Life sucks sometimes, and for now, life sucks for you". Nice...coming from a priest but it made sense then and makes sense to me now. I'm still on a bit of an emotional roller coaster over the whole thing. On one side I'm so happy that we're going to finally be able to start closing the door on the past and moving forward with a clean slate (for the most part) but on the other end I'm scared of what is going to happen to my house. I found out yesterday that I am officially in foreclosure. Thankfully, there is no "auction" date set so I have time to refile my hardship letter etc. Don't know what happened to my first hardship letter but whatever.... at least now I can include G's offer letter and show that we can once again start making our payments. So, yes the bankruptcy can stall the foreclosure from moving forward. However, the lender can still go to the judge and pull it out of bankruptcy to move forward with the foreclosure. But as the attorney said, it will buy me time to collect pay stubs from G to validate his employment. I always knew this was a possibility but it never seemed real or perhaps, I just did not want to accept that it could actually happen. I had my emotional day yesterday, today I'm trying to tell myself that it's ok. All will be as it should be. If I have to lose my house, than that's ok. As I was reminded this morning by a sweet smile and cuddle from my son, I'm just losing a material thing...a big material thing but material nonetheless. I'm not losing what's most important....my family and my kids.

So there. It's done. I've said it. For now, I'm going to let this be enough and I'm going to focus my energy on having a great weekend at the river house with the family. Happy Memorial Weekend...the fun starts.....now.

Ferocious Appetite

AJ has the biggest, never ending appetite I've ever seen. He's always hungry. I want to say maybe it's a growth spurt but if that's the case, he's been on one since he was 6 months. Needless to say, keeping up with his appetite is a little frustrating and time consuming. I'm trying to feed my kids healthy food but it's never convenient like a bag of chips or cookies. Healthy food requires washing, peeling, cutting, etc. Just to give an example of AJ's daily food intake, this is what he had yesterday:

Morning:

Cup of warm milk

Banana

1 cinnamon toast

1 bowl of oatmeal

1/2 of a small bagel

Bites from my breakfast and Seena's breakfast

Afternoon:

2 hotdogs

6-7 cherry tomatoes

homemade oven fries

1/2 apple

yogurt (baby size)

Ritz crackers

pretzel sticks

Bites from Seena's lunch

Evening:

pretzel sticks

grapes

Broccoli/chicken/pasta casserole minus the chicken (2 helpings)

2 oreos

Cup of warm milk

And when he eats, it's like it's a race or as if he's never going to eat again. He stuffs his mouth until he looks like a chipmunk. Please reference photos of him eating apples below:

Preparing to eat apples and eventually yogurt. (notice protruding belly)

Beginning to stuff apples in mouth

Stuffing face

Chipmunk cheeks

Proud little man for stuffing face

Nice full belly...for 5 minutes

Fruits of my Labor

Since moving into my SFH I've been trying to create my very own garden oasis. It's taken some time but I'm patient. Much of what I have in my gardens are transplants from friends and family gardens, plants I've rescued from curb sides, from seeds I've collected along the way, etc. Of course, there are some store bought plants...I can't help myself. Nurseries for me are like candy stores for kids. Little by little my gardens are getting there and along the way they have brought me much peace and joy, if even for a minute or two. So, since my garden oasis brings me peace outside, I thought I would try to bring some of it inside today to distract me from the nonstop bickering, sassy mouth Seena in the other room. Aaaahh....serenity now.....

View of garden from back door (not a great photo)

The last remaining blooms on my Bleeding Heart (one of my favorites)

Columbine...surprise color from Yaya's garden

Climbing Roses (finally growing the right way)

After much TLC for 3 years my peony finally bloomed!

Iris (dad's garden), Foxglove (seed packet)

Vacation's Over

On the day we were leaving from our girl's getaway weekend my friend Korn made the comment, "Back to the real world". And true, we were coming home to go back to work and responsibilities but it wasn't until yesterday that I felt my "vacation" was really over. Yes, this past weekend was by definition a vacation from mommy and wife responsibilities but I feel like I've been on an unofficial vacation for 8 months. For the last 2 years while G ran the restaurant I often felt like I was a single mom raising 3 kids. We hardly ever saw him so I was left with all of the home responsibilities...including mowing the lawn. This was fine, this was the life we chose and I dealt with it. But ever since the restaurant closed and G's been home things have been much different. Aside from our financial struggles, our life has been for the most part carefree and laid back. My job has been extremely easy, slow and flexible, enough so that I'm home "not working" more than I'm actually working. The kids were only in school 2 days a week. There was never a sense of urgency to get anything done nor the full day work stress to get home in time to cook dinner and play with the kids. And on the selfish side, I've had a vacation from housewife duties. I will admit that I've taken "advantage" of G being home all of the time and being a neat freak. He's done much of the home maintenance in all aspects for the last 8 months. I'm not going lie...it's been nice. But all things, good or bad, come to an end and it seems my vacation from life is starting to do so. G's back to work full-time (yeah!), I have a feeling my job is going to get very busy and my kids are going to school full time in two weeks. So, it hit me last night while I was cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry at 9:00pm, that my vacation was over and it was "back to the real world".